Don’t panic – Rescu. is here to help.
Here are our top tips on how to deal with criticism in the bedroom – without falling apart or cracking their head open.
1. So, who’s making the comment?
It might seem daft, but the only people who get to comment on your sexual technique are the ones who’ve actually had sex with you.
This means anything else? Not worth it.
Some person claiming they ‘heard’ that you’re not that great in the sack/giving head/whatever is not actual feedback; it’s just abuse.
Bringing up something you confessed about in private, or passing along something they heard your current partner say – none of it counts unless it’s from the horse’s mouth.
If this is the situation, your focus should not be on insecurity, but on addressing the belittling and shutting it down. Make it clear that nobody can attack your intimate situations except the participants themselves. Game over.
2. What’s the motivation behind the criticism?
Being bad in bed isn’t the end of the world, but if somebody’s accusing you of it, you’ve got to make sure they’re being objective.
So if it’s just hurled at you during a fight, it’s probably not seriously meant. That doesn’t mean it’s not cruel and stupid – telling anybody they’re crap at something is horrible behaviour – but it’s heat-of-the-moment weaponry, not criticism.
Same goes for post-breakup anger. ‘You never really pleased me anyway’ is probably, let’s face it, not really honest.
If, however, it’s seriously raised as a problem in a mature way, then it’s evidently not something you can discount.
3. Is there something specific that’s being targeted?
Bedroom criticism is hard, but if it’s coming from a loving place, you can handle it.
The most important thing, though, is to understand just what’s not working out. And getting a partner to articulate that can be hurtful or embarrassing, but it’s important. You might not want to push the conversation further, but explain that it’s important to you to know.
Be prepared for this to go places you weren’t expecting. There’s always somebody who thinks they’ve got a particular sex act perfect – bang, A-grade, Olympic style – and then a new partner comes along who just is not feeling it. At all.
So if you’ve always considered yourself brilliant in the sheets and your latest partner doesn’t share your opinion, don’t discount their reality. One size does not fit all in sex. You’ve got to be adaptable.
If the criticism continues to be vague, you may need to actually do some experimenting and figure out what’s going on. Ask them for particular directions, and give them some in return. Don’t get frustrated at one another – it’s awkward, but it’s important. Some people just don’t click sexually straight off the bat.
Make suggestions – am I not assertive enough for you in this position? Do I do something uncomfortable to you? Do you not like it when I talk dirty/kiss you after giving you head/any other manner of things?
Chances are, you’re not flat-out bad at something – you’re just not listening to each others’ bodies correctly.
4. What’s the next step?
Becoming more skilled at sex is a very tough thing, particularly if you’re feeling insecure or ashamed.
However, self-confidence is key, so don’t let this affect your entire self-esteem or conduct during the relationship.
Don’t become shy of ever performing the act again, either – you’ve got to practise to get good. And chances are, if your partners are worthwhile, they’ll want to stick around and help you learn.
Work on it with a goal in mind – and don’t keep stopping halfway through to say ‘Is that good? Is that good?’ because I guarantee it will not be good.
Seek outside advice from a sex therapist or advice books if you’re really desperate – or switch partners – but as long as you’ve isolated the issue, the way forward is through practise and confronting it, not hiding away.
Ask friends whom you believe are good at it, find ways to practise on your own time – but make yourself comfortable and with effort your partner will be giving you the A+ in no time.
(Or, perhaps, you just need to change partners for somebody more appreciative and responsive. One person’s ‘poor lay’ is another’s heavenly goddess. Something to consider.)
Lady Friday xx