Frenemies are women we have our differences with, but that it’s easier to keep around. Your frenemy might be in a particular social group so it would be awkward to not be friends with her; she might not be the type of person you want as an enemy; or perhaps there is a benefit to you in keeping her close – as they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This is not a new occurrence, but in today’s society there are certain woman in our lives who have a negative impact without us even being aware – a new form of frenemy. But who are these women, and what should you do once you can identify them?
Maintaining a good level of self-esteem, and the struggle to increase it, is a continual battle for most women. We are surrounded by different forms of media that tell us we are not good enough and it’s often our friends we turn to when we’re feeling down or in a flat mood. All women will suffer from low self-esteem or self-doubt at some stage, but some worse than others. A smaller number of these will try to make themselves feel better by seeking validation from everything external, including you, making little or no effort to help themselves. When you are around this friend and she’s constantly complaining about her body, how she looks and who does or doesn’t like her, eventually that train of thought can rub off onto you. Combine this was the constant validation ‘Do you think I look ok?’, ‘Do you think I’ve put on weight?’ etc. and your own self-esteem might find itself in jeopardy.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a good friend and help those around you when they are in need. However, if you are feeling fragile or like you’re fighting to get back on top, having this particular person in your life can be the worst thing for you, and your time around them needs to be carefully monitored and possibly limited.
We all want to be good to those we care about, and help those in need, but when that starts to takes away our own sense of self, it’s time to consider whether holding on to that friendship is the best thing for you right now. It’s worth considering that if your last bit of self-esteem is dragged away by someone else, then you will be left with nothing to give anyone else who needs you, like your family. When your levels of self-esteem are high, don’t hesitate to help, but when yours are dwindling, this particular friend might be more frenemy to you.
Another type of modern day frenemy is one we might call the Single Girl Frenemy. She’s that mate who is happy when you are single because they are too. This type of person might become obvious when you start dating, or you might be able to recognise her more subtle manoeuvres when it comes to relationship advice. In their eyes it’s okay being single when someone else close to them is too – that way it’s not so lonely as you can be single girls together, commiserating about the dramas, understanding the issues and going out on the hunt together. But is this friend supporting you and giving you the right advice, or supporting behaviours that will lead to you being single again soon? A good friend will be happy for you when you are happy with someone new, but a frenemy will be jealous because they feel like they might be missing out, or that they aren’t needed as much as they were in your life. It might be trickier to spot this particular type of frenemy, as their behaviours are often slightly hidden – after all, no one wants to be this person in your life – but when you look closer, you be able to tell if the subconscious behaviours are there.
The first step in dealing with all kinds of frenemies is recognising when someone’s presence in your life is more negative than positive, but what should you do with this knowledge? Unlike the more traditional frenemy, these new kinds of frenemies are not enemies as such, but rather the impact that they leave, and the transference of their mood, that is. So it’s not your friend you need to range war with, or eliminate from your life, but rather their negative mood. The conventional thought is that, as a friend, you should take the good with the bad from the people you care for. But should you take the bad when it’s turning you down that same negative path?
The answer lies in not dissing this person immediately – there is still ‘friend’ in the word ‘frenemy’, after all – but in turning the whole situation around, not only for your own benefit, but for theirs too. Once you’ve noticed the dangers of their moods or behaviours, you can recognise them as they occur and try to turn those moods around. If your frenemy has been continually searching for validation, fishing for compliments or complaining about a body part, charge the conversation to something more positive. Something that is going well in their life, or just a positive story in general that is not linked to your love lives or your self-esteem. You’ll find that consciously making this change in the mood of the conversation often has more benefit than just giving in to their quest for validation. If you are talking about your dating successes and your friend’s jealousy kicks in, it’s possible a positive conversation distraction might not be enough – they might be calling out for a bit of friend support. Jealousy often stems from insecurity and fear of loss (potentially the fear of losing you), so you may need to include some reassurance around the strength of your friendship.
But as you reassure your friend, do keep watch that it doesn’t turn back into the same conversation in which she searches for validation.
If you have tried to be the supportive and tried these techniques but are still finding that every time you see this friend you are left feeling drained or low, it might be time to step back and work on yourself till you are feeling strong enough to not be impacted by their mood. However, if it gets to this stage, it could be time to question if this ongoing negativity is part of who they inherently are, and whether this friendship will always be hard work and have a negative impact on you. Is a friendship worth the cost of your positive mood and sense of self-worth? Where we once kept friends close but enemies closer, sometimes you need to consider whether your frenemy belongs to that group of friends who are only good in very small doses.
For more relationship advice from Nikki Goldstein, grab a copy of her new book, ‘Single but Dating’, the perfect guide for young single women navigating their way through the modern dating world.