When Robert Downey Jnr revealed that Gwyneth Paltrow had called him a bad kisser on the set of Iron Man, I laughed – and then started thinking.
What do you do with a problem like a bad kisser, ladies? What if, like Charlotte’s date Brad in that particularly horrible Sex & The City episode, they lick your face like a Great Dane? Does it represent a sexual warning sign, or is there hope for redemption?
There’s one overpowering argument out there about the link between kissing style and bedroom prowess. It goes like this: if he can’t figure out what to do with your mouth, surely he won’t know what to do with the rest of your body. Case closed.
I tend to follow this line of thinking. Need some reasons?
Reason one: The awful kisser – whether he be the Great Dane, the Dead Fish (who leaves his tongue in your mouth like some kind of offering he’s killed), the Over-Enthusiast (who nearly smothers your breathing tube), or any other kind – is a turnoff. It stops the train before it can even get started.
Sexuality starts far outside the bedroom. Hell, it can start in the way he orders a drink. So in a way, your body’s made the decision for you; if you aren’t turned on by the kisses, there’s not much hope once your clothes come off.
Reason two: Kissing is about responsiveness. It’s a precursor to sex, in that it truly demonstrates how good both partners are at responding empathetically and pleasing one another. Lack of responsiveness rarely spells a remotely good time in the bedroom.
At least it’s not just us mere mortals. According to Gawker, Keira Knightley’s technique is ‘peculiar’, and Harrison Ford is generally agreed to be one of the worst kissers in Hollywood. Make of that what you will.
However, it’s not completely iron-clad. Psychologically speaking, a guy who’s horrible at mouth-to-mouth is like that for a reason.
Bad kissing can mean many things – nervousness; shyness; inexperience; arrogance; a lack of awareness of female sensuality; a very accommodating series of ex-girlfriends who told him they liked it when he shoved his tongue up their nose.
All these lead to different bedroom experiences – most of which will be awful.
The nervous men are the one saving grace. The one good thing about bad kissers, ladies? If they know they’re not great, sometimes they overcompensate with effort in other areas, shall we say.
However, mostly they don’t. And, in miserable truth, the converse – the men who are fantastic kissers but prove, inexplicably, to be utter failures in bed, whether through over-confidence or pure ineptitude – exists, too.
My verdict? Give it a chance if you must. But, if the bedroom experience proves to be disappointing, walk away, and don’t make me say I told you so.
And men (or women looking to kiss women)? Learn to kiss. Seriously.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…