Yasodhara Romero Fernandes is a professional performer, vocal coach, performance and communications expert, bodyworker, former teacher and certified Access Consciousness & Right Voice for You facilitator. She gives us her advice on how to remain truly yourself in your relationship.
What draws people close to you and to seek out a relationship with you? Your uniqueness as an individual. But how often when you like someone, do you change yourself in order to be more likeable or to match their expectations of you, usually without really knowing what they actually expect?
Every relationship is defined by its own distance, some closer than others. We tend to create our relationship based on the right distance, believing that will give us a sense of independence and freedom.
What if there was a way to create something different with relationship? A place where you could have your own voice, and never give up any part of you? Where neither party is wrong and everyone involved is strong?
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Here are some practical steps and tips for maintaining your independence and your true self in relationship:
- Gratitude over judgement.
Gratitude is not saying, “I love you.” It’s being grateful for having someone in your life even when they do something you may not like.
How much gratitude do you have for yourself? Or do you judge yourself? In relationship, everything starts with you! So, if you desire more gratitude, start being grateful for yourself.
Create a gratitude journal, and every day write down 3 things you are grateful for about you first. If you desire to make a particular relationship better, you can do it with the other person as well. (This might be your partner, your child, your boss, or a friend.)
- Stop expecting and projecting.
Become conscious of your projections and expectations of yourself, and others. Most of us have been trained to project, expect, and create relationships from there. It is so normal that we don’t even realise we’re doing it!
How many expectations do you have about yourself in your closest relationships? Do you have to be perfect, or do they have to be perfect? Every time you catch yourself expecting or projecting, STOP IT, and ask yourself what else is possible here? If you had no expectations, everything becomes possible, and everything can change.
- Get clear on other people’s needs.
Most people with whom you have a relationship require, or need something from you. Some will need attention, others will need money, sex, kindness, etc. Your willingness to be clear in every relationship will determine the level of independence and freedom you have. When you refuse to be aware of that, you’ll put the needs of others first, thereby overlooking your own.
Often, we can resist or react to other people’s needs. What if you could be aware of them and be in allowance of them? Allowance is not accepting things, allowance is where everything is simply an interesting point of view.
What if you could transform the thoughts in your mind, and every judgement, expectation, projection, need, requirement of you and the people around you into interesting points of view? This is where everything either one of you says, thinks or believes is neither right nor wrong, they are just interesting.
- Barriers create separation not freedom.
The word ‘relationship’ means the distance between the 2 objects or people. Over time, every judgement, point of view, and expectation becomes another brick in an invisible wall that drives people slowly but surely apart. You might think that keeping yourself separate from your partner will give you your freedom. What if, by choosing this behaviour results with you not allowing anyone to get close, and you also close yourself in?
To practise lowering your barriers, ask yourself, “Do I have any barriers and walls around me, and if so, how high do they reach?” Then imagine yourself pushing them down, until they hit the ground and even lower down. If you’ve used barriers to protect yourself or have been around people who have a lot of barriers, this might feel a little uncomfortable at first. Yet, being vulnerable will dynamically change how others respond to you. Keep practising, and soon you will quickly become aware of when you are putting your barriers up to others, and be able to lower them more easily.
Being yourself in any relationship.
The choice to have healthy, thriving relationships with those around you begins by changing your mindset. Practise saying “interesting point of view,” for every single thought, feeling and emotion you have for 3 consecutive days. This exercise will give you an immense level of freedom. Also by checking-in daily with what you are grateful for, being vulnerable, and letting go of judgements, expectations and projections, will give you the place where you can be you without losing yourself in any relationship, at any time!
Yasodhara Romero Fernandes is a professional performer, vocal coach, performance and communications expert, bodyworker, former teacher and certified Access Consciousness & Right Voice for You facilitator. She hosts workshops and private classes around the world, helping people open up to the power of authentic communication and authentic living and to connect to their body and thrive in life effortlessly.
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