We all have niggling insecurities. So how can you deal with them in the bedroom? Lady Friday has the ultimate guide to kicking them to the curb and being as confident as you deserve.
Insecurities are the bane of life. However, you don’t have to let them ruin it! If you’re worried about something in bed, and it won’t go away despite your best efforts, now is the time to deal with it. Let this be your guide to working through your issues in the bedroom.
Identify the issue.
The two main intimacy-related insecurities women suffer are: am I good in bed, and am I unattractive? If either of these rings true, investigate where this feeling came from. Insecurities aren’t powerful if you know their source clearly and can see its bias.
If an old partner insulted you or didn’t react in the way you expected, you never felt sexually attractive as a teen, or you’ve had bad experiences, your history will have influenced your current feelings. Isolating exactly what you feel, and if possible where in your history it might have emerged, is a powerful tool to conquering the insecurity and becoming confident in your allure.
Do some serious homework and look back on past events dispassionately – even if you feel unattractive because you were cheated on or something similarly hurtful.
Act immediately.
You can’t let this fester any more! We’re grown women who need to battle our demons. Too many insecurities in the bedroom go unaddressed and become deep-seated behaviours because they weren’t pulled into the light at an appropriate time.
Addressing an insecurity immediately is the key to moving on from it. If you fear examining it because you’re worried it might be true, don’t worry – just let the process unfold naturally and deal with the consequences as they come.
It’s infinitely preferable to a life lived not being confident.
Talk about it.
Don’t keep your secrets in the dark. Let your partner know what you’re feeling, in rational language and without guilt or blame attached. After all, insecurity in the bedroom can be a cycle, where you don’t get what you need, fail to understand why, and thus fail to properly communicate your needs. Sound familiar? Break out of it.
Broaching the topic gently, at a time when you’re both together, can make things easier. Be open with your partner and allow for them to be open with you. Don’t let the conversation become fraught or disrespectful.
Avoid constant reassurance.
A key problem with insecurity is that it constantly demands reassurance. ‘You think I’m pretty, don’t you?’ ‘Did you like that?’ ‘Am I as good as X?’ These are questions designed to bolster your esteem through other peoples’ perceptions, and it helps nothing.
Getting into a pattern of demanding reassurance to stave off insecurity will not actually deal with the insecurity itself – it merely quiets it for a while, before making it louder than before. Recognise that this is what’s going on, stop immediately, and seek other methods to deal with the problems.
Consider seeking help.
Sometimes insecurity can be too overwhelming to be solved inside a relationship. Consider going outside to a therapist who might be able to get to the root of your problem.
Don’t expect to go to a therapist and come out cured, or to have them laud you with compliments to make you feel better. Therapy will try to burrow into the sources of your insecurity and help you understand them, thus defusing their power.
If you and your partner feel incapable of dealing with the issue, this may be your best bet.
Good luck!
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…