There’s one place, though, where nobody seems to be able to get it right
– and that’s the bedroom itself. If I had fifty cents for every time a friend grieved over a listless partner’s performance, but “didn’t know how to tell them”, I’d be able to buy a yacht. The fear’s a justified one: particularly in delicate young male egos, the merest suggestion that they didn’t quite put in a stallion’s performance produces explosions, counter-accusations, and sulking. One poor pal of mine once tried to suggest her boyfriend try more than one position, and he wouldn’t talk to her for a week. (He was thirty-three!)
It’s a problem, and, because I am a problem-solver by nature, am going to try and fix it.
For god’s sake, know what you want to tell them. Using generally resentful adjectives and pouting into your cereal won’t get you anywhere. Besides, if your partner’s male, you’ve got to take into account that frequently they aren’t verbally-oriented creatures. Play doctor: diagnose the problem, get it clear in your head, and THEN go in for the negotiations.
Be diplomatic. (Take off the sexy-doctor outfit and put on the sexy-ambassador one.) Don’t list everything they’ve ever done wrong and generally squash them down to the size of a pea, because I doubt you’ll ever get any again. Find whatever aspects of the performance got standing ovations, and go for those. “I just love it when you…”, “I find it so sexy when you…” – you know the drill. Criticism laced with honey is a lot easier to swallow, and if you pose alternatives he’ll be raring to go.
Use fantasy. (I don’t even know what outfit goes with this one.) Don’t make it about them- make it about you! Tell them you had a sexy dream, saw an erotic film, read a steamy book – and came across this particular move you’d just love to try…
Be aware of context. It doesn’t have to be a big “We Need To Talk” thing, does it? Just make stuff comfortable – bring it up while you’re doing something together, like washing the dishes, or driving the car. (If you get too explicit you may end up distracted, so perhaps nix that last suggestion.)
Guide them physically. You’re intelligent women; you know what I mean here. Don’t say ‘hotter, hotter, cold, cold, freezing’, but take charge, and make it clear- VERY clear- what excites you.