We all have a story, or a friend with a story, about the partner who yodelled, screeched, sounded like a cat on fire, or declaimed ‘I HAVE A DREAM’ right at the moment of orgasm, rendering what could have been a memorable experience for all the right reasons, a can’t-forget, must-tell-my-friends moment for all the wrong ones.
Don’t get us wrong, being vocal in bed is a very positive thing. Sex in silence might suit some folk, but the act can tend to lose a certain dimension and become restricted when it’s all hush-hush and no harder-faster.
Long story short, there’s a very fine line between the appropriate vocal level in bed and making things uncomfortable. Read on to discover how to get your bedroom volume settings just right…
What To Do
Respect your neighbours
This is particularly important if you live in an apartment building or with housemates. Fortunately most walls these days contain some element of soundproofing, but if you don’t want to be awakened by their sexy noises, don’t do the same to them.
This doesn’t mean complete stone silence – it just means being respectful of their need for rest.
Of course, one option to avoid this is to stick to middle-of-the-day or morning sex, and be as loud as you like – but not everybody has that kind of time on their hands, so be conscious of your level of volume to outsiders and keep it relatively soft.
Encourage your partner
The most crucial function of noise in the bedroom? Telling your partner what they’re doing right.
Get into the habit of rewarding good behaviour – with both actions and words or noises. Make it directly cause-and-effect, and you’ll make it easier for them to sense what you’re enjoying – and what you’re not.
Vocalising in bed is also your opportunity to take the reins and order them about a bit. It doesn’t have to be incoherent moans – a simple ‘over there’ or ‘more please’ is perfectly fine.
Use it to hone your sexual experience and reactions, and you’ll be on the right track.
Let your natural reactions flow
Be aware of your own language of pleasure, and don’t be shocked by it.
Specific acts deserve specific responses – and altering them to suit the intensity is a good idea, too. A lot of this will probably be primal pleasure-response rather than studied, artificial noises. You can’t practise being in the moment.
So if you growl, or whine, or find something completely unexpected coming out of your mouth – unless it’s offensive or offputting, go with it. If it is, you’ll need to figure out where it came from, but don’t worry, that’s pretty normal.
We make noises in sex which have no other avenue, so be prepared for the unusual.
Alternate between soft and slightly louder volumes
The general formula is to get louder as things get more intense, but that doesn’t work overall – you have to find a medium you’re comfortable with.
However, often people underestimate the sexual power of frenzied whispers.
Forcing yourselves to be quiet for a brief period can amp up your action – and releasing it can be satisfying.
What Not To Do
This is a more general rule – it doesn’t help anything – but faking vocally is particularly noticeable, and should be avoided.
If the sex isn’t good, don’t try to improve it by a bravura vocal performance. It’ll just confuse the issue later.
Think volume makes up for everything
Loudness is not a virtue. You do not need to emphasise your pleasure by screaming like you’ve been electrocuted.
Believe me, there are other ways to express yourself, and your partners and neighbours will be likely less shocked by them.
Don’t rely on vocals to get you through an embarrassing, stressful or otherwise fraught sexual experience. Better to tamp them down and focus on what’s going on, and be honest.
Stick to the one noise
You do not need to have a ‘signature’ noise, and you do not need to react in the same way every time you orgasm.
Variety is what gives sex its heat, and making one noise throughout is boring for everybody – and gives no information whatsoever about what you’re enjoying and what you want.
Don’t hide behind one particular vocalisation. Experiment, and talk if you’d like – and respect your partner if they want quiet or are enthused about something beyond your normal vocal tolerance.
After all, you’ve both got to find a good level when being vocal in bed – and not upset your neighbours.
Lady Friday xx
Taking pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
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