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Bedroom advice columns are notoriously all about the healthy and flexible – but what happens when one of you temporarily isn’t?
For most couples, at least once in their partnership incidents like illness or post-childbirth recovery can put the kibosh on getting intimate. This column is about what to do when you feel frisky but can’t do anything about it for health reasons.
Note: if the intimacy has stopped because of mental blocks, like bad self esteem, depression or exhaustion, this isn’t the column for you. Go through the Lady Friday archives to explore possible solutions for your situation.
This seems like a poor substitute, but it can in fact be hot as hell. Not being able to touch each other or satisfy each others’ needs in a certain way can in fact be a way to open up other means of bedroom communication.
This can be a good opportunity to share fantasies, make elaborate plans for when you can get it on again, and reflect on your favourite moves.
If the incapacity of one of you is making the other resentful or unsatisfied, it’s important to talk about that, too. Make it your mission to get through the period of self-denial together rather than suffering through it indignantly.
Touch is renowned for its healing and calming properties – although this isn’t the best option for people suffering all-over pain or recovering from back sensitivity.
It’s crucial for couples who want to maintain a connection that they keep their bodily contact during down periods, and this can be a way of being sensual and pleasuring without going over medical bounds.
Get a very good massage oil – we love Lush’s range – and focus on spots like the small of the back, the buttocks, the thick muscles of the shoulder blades, the stomach, and even the palms of the hands and feet. You’ll end up slippery, giggling and delighted.
Groom one another.
Not in the habit of showering together? It might be a good practise to institute in a down period, if your routines and bathroom are compatible.
The practise of washing each others’ hair, scratching, rinsing and perfuming each others’ bodies is a deeply primal way of expressing care and sexual attraction, and even if it can’t end in being sweaty on the bathroom floor, it’s still a good habit.
If, however, this makes you both incredibly hot and bothered, let’s go onto the next option…
Perform for each other.
Once the full diagnosis is in, work out the exact limits of what you can and cannot do. Is oral on the menu? Anal? Fingering?
Make the boundaries quite clear and make use of them – but if that’s not satisfying you both, use this opportunity to masturbate separately in front of your partner. Many couples find it hot, although it needs to be done in a way that suits your moods and bodies – inspired by costumes, in response to a striptease, or with a toy as a stand-in.
If you’ve always been conservative in bed, use this opportunity to explore different and more off-the-wall ways of pleasing one another.
Explore the outer-body orgasm.
A surprising amount of women can actually reach thundering orgasm by manipulation of erogenous zones outside the pelvic area.
In plain English, this means nipples, ear lobes, hips, the perineum, the buttocks, the thighs – anywhere that seems particularly sensitive and vulnerable to bites and strokes.
It’s possible in men, too, though less common – so devote yourselves to a full exploration of each others’ bodies and possibilities, and you may find a new move to put on the menu once things are back to normal…
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…