How To Talk Dirty In The Bedroom

Cat got your tongue?  Lady Friday’s got the gift of the bedroom gab.
A friend recently called up to ask my advice on something ‘very personal’.
“What’s the matter?”
“I just can’t….”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t talk dirty!” she wailed. “I get so embarrassed!”
image via pinterest
Turns out that my friend has a boyfriend who’s very articulate in bed – about what he wants to do to her, how he’s going to do it, and what he wants in return. Great! Problem is, when she tries to reciprocate – instant tongue-tying. And not the good kind.
This is quite a common problem with words in the bedroom. People are afraid of looking or sounding ridiculous, or changing the mood with a badly chosen word. My key piece of advice – to her and to you? Practise beforehand, both in your head and out loud.
Get comfortable with saying certain words. Dainty euphemisms are for ladies fanning themselves on the porch, not dirty talk. Four-letter words are de rigeur. If there’s one you can’t say with a straight face, practise it on your own until you can, or find another one.
Also, now is not the time for anatomical text-book terms. Keep it short, explicit and to the point – though you can say it as slowly as you want to.
If there are words you absolutely cannot say without feeling ridiculous, find a mutually accepted pseudonym for them – but try to get comfortable with them first before going down the ‘secret bedroom language’ path.
Be clear with what you want to say. Some people get so flustered they end up saying something like “I want you to… foot… on the face”, and nobody quite knows what’s going on. So understand what you’re trying to communicate – what you want your partner to get out of it.
One important tip – figure out your bedroom voice. Is it a throaty murmur, a light whisper in his ear, a playful sarcastic drawl? Don’t play-act your way into a poor Sophia Loren impersonation if that’s not your natural voice. Explore.
It doesn’t have to be one voice, either. You can be hesitant while saying one thing, commanding while saying another. Sometimes easy, everyday sentences – ‘What do you want me to do now?’, for instance- can change into smoking come-ons purely by the intonation.
Some easy sentence structures to start with: positive compliments. ‘I love it when you do ________’ is something all partners like to hear. ‘Why don’t you _________’ is another good one.
Always be truthful- don’t say things you’ve seen in movies or R-rated scenes just because you think they’re ‘how dirty talk goes’. It’s exaggerated and ridiculous, and will make the whole scene artificial.
Avoid mixing up sweet pet names and dirty talk, too. Nobody needs to hear ‘You’re my snookum wookums’ in a sexual voice; keep it out of the bedroom.
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
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