This week, Miss Manners tackles the topic every married woman dreads: in-laws. Need some inside knowledge on handling the mother-in-law minefield with grace and panache? Miss Manners offers aid.
I know a couple, married about a year, who are happy, charming, loving, and have completely different relationships with their parents. The husband talks to his elderly father and mother most days, and the mother’s very interested in the marriage (read: an insufferable busybody). The wife, on the other hand, speaks to her parents once every three months at most, and relations could be best described as ‘hands-off’. Each partner is a bit puzzled by the other one, I think. The wife doesn’t want to hang out with the husband’s parents, go shopping with them and spend every weekend at their house, and the husband can’t understand why!
Horror stories about rabidly involved in-laws abound; Diane Keaton appears to have spent the last 10 years playing increasingly worse ones. However, there is a breaking point. Yes, your partner’s parents should have a role in your life (if you want them to) – but there’s got to be space for your own relationship too.
How often do you go visit, or let them into your house? Often enough that nobody gets particularly huffy about “not wanting to see us”, but seldom enough that you and your partner aren’t having nightmares featuring an endless parade of in-law invasion. It’s a delicate balance, and it changes once you have children – you have less time to yourself when you have The Next Heir In The Genetic Line to be shown off.
The polite thing to do is set out a schedule – twice a month, every second Friday, whatever suits – and stick to it. If it’s iron-clad, your mother-in-law’s mumblings about seeing her darling boy more often can be nipped in the bud.
Find out protocol on family holidays – and if your partner wants to spend time with his ‘difficult’ parents, compromise. Miranda’s way of dealing with Steve’s dementia-riddled mother on Sex & The City – begrudging acceptance and sacrifice, just because she loved Steve – is an extreme version of the proper way to deal with things.
Never permit looking like the shrew in front of your in-laws, either. If your husband looks like he’s going to yield to a ridiculous demand, take him aside and say the two of you need to represent a united front.
Debrett’s online guide to etiquette offers a few more good tips: www.debretts.com/etiquette/home-life/the-family/in-laws.aspx
Yours sincerely,
Miss Manners