Tired of banging on the wall at 3am? Miss Manners knows how to handle the situation – no unpleasantness necessary.
Modern living has brought us many things. Dishwashers, the iPad, fridges which slightly inexplicably connect to the internet. However, it’s also brought us the apartment building, and with it the problem of Neighbours From Hell.
Everybody’s got a horror story. The German couple who had loud sex and moved furniture at seemingly random times, often simultaneously. The man who bred pigeons, despite the fact that all their droppings fell onto the balcony below. The hipsters who would, at about 3am on weeknights, call all their friends around and have drunken guitar sing-a-longs.
However, unless you’re rich enough to build a McMansion with a high fence and forget neighbours exist, you’re just going to have to cope. Never fear, though. You can get through this without every corridor meeting turning ugly.
First, learn the laws of your lease. If they’re doing something really stupid, like keeping a loud German Shepherd in a pet-free building, you have every right to go over their heads to the landlords.
If not, though, stick directly with them for the present. The common courtesy is three warnings of casual politeness. Do them in person, if possible while the offence is taking place (not for sexual acts, though – wait till the next morning). Passive-aggressive notes are for teenagers; get a grip and knock on the door.
When you’re Having The Talk, articulate very specific problems (not ‘your behaviour’s annoying me’, more ‘your music’s a bit too loud for this time of night and it’s keeping me awake’). Chances are they’ll accommodate you. Be very courteous and don’t get angry or demand apologies. Just stand up for your rights.
If you need to repeat the process, don’t remind them that you’ve warned them before. Just ask them again, politely. Keep requests simple and thank them for their consideration.
If the confrontation gets ugly in any way – if they start to argue, laugh at you, or get belligerent – don’t allow yourself to be provoked. Have a few lines – particularly about your next step if they refuse, whether it be the landlords or the police – and repeat them, unruffled. Keep notes of all of these events, and if possible have a witness.
The important thing to remember is that unless they’re all-round awful, you should treat their behaviour as an isolated incident and otherwise behave perfectly normally. Their keeping their music on late at night once or twice is no reason to cut them cold on the stairs.
Be the bigger person, but if it’s the fourth time and you’ve given them ample warning, do what you’ve got to do.