‘Danke’. ‘Merci’. ‘Grazie’. Ever feel like saying ‘thank you’ is a foreign language? Let Miss Manners translate the hows, whys and wherefores of the very modern thank-you note.
These days, many people simply forget about thank-you notes once they’re past the age where everyone had to scrawl ‘Dear Auntie, Thank you for the lovely dictionary’ after every birthday. This is a mistake – but it presents an opportunity. Gratitude, hand-written, electronic or otherwise, is so uncommon that committing to the practise of saying ‘Thank You’ puts you a real cut above.
Unless you’re above forty-five or a bit of a snob, though, leave the monogrammed, embossed stationery alone. Vintage charm or not, it’s frankly weird unless you’re a calligrapher or it’s a family tradition. Never put personal notes on company stationery – thank-you notes are about returning thoughtfulness with thoughtfulness, and company stationery isn’t really making an effort.
Frankly, a lot of rules about how-and-when with thank-you notes are arbitrary; you can navigate your own way. Just match the level of formality. If you’ve been invited to a fancy wedding, thank them afterwards with a lot more effort and formality than you would somebody’s Facebook invite to a birthday (where ‘Thanks, Ben, awesome party’ in an email is enough).
Things you do have to write thank-yous for: wedding invites, ball invites, christening invites, scholarships, and people who give you gifts at a party or wedding you hold. Yes, even though you’re not five any more, you still have to thank Auntie personally for her specific gift. Notepaper always trumps email, too, particularly for older generations. (If it’s your party or wedding, you get a bit of lee-way on how long you can wait before sending thank-you notes. Leave it more than three weeks after the honeymoon or party, though, and your elderly aunts will start being passive-aggressive.)
Things you should write thank-yous for: somebody’s kindness when you were going through a rough time, and unexpected help (I’m writing a thank-you note to my landlord for unnecessarily paying for my oven repair). If they’ve made your life easier, make theirs a little sweeter.
Special category: promotions. Writing a thank-you for being kicked up the ladder is appreciated, depending on the workplace, but mind you don’t go all-out and look like a suck-up.
Things you do not write thank-yous for: funeral invitations. Seriously. This has happened. Don’t.
Yours sincerely,
Miss Manners xx