By Dr. John DeMartini, human behaviour specialist and best-selling author
The loss of a loved one, a divorce or relationship breakup can often be the trigger for grief; a multifaceted response to the perception of loss. Particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, or disappeared, to which an attraction, a bond, an infatuation, or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.
Since the beginning of time people have grieved the loss of those close to them or the breakdown of significant relationships. Grief has therefore been a seemingly inevitable part of the human experience. In fact, grief has been considered one of the great and inevitable burdens of human existence.
It’s fair to say that everyone processes grief differently. Yet until recently, the forms and durations of grieving were assumed to be inevitable and essential. However, we now know they are in fact governable and optional. Experiencing a prolonged period of grieving is not only unhealthy and unproductive individually and socially, but actually unnecessary. So, is it even remotely possible that a human being could dissolve their grief in just a matter of minutes or hours, instead of months, years or even decades? The answer to this question is unequivocally yes!
Since 1984 Dr John Demartini has been asking four specific questions as part of the Demartini Method of Grief resolution, that have helped thousands of people dissolve grief and start living again.
– What specific traits, actions, or inactions do you perceive this individual displaying or demonstrating that you liked, admired or infatuated with most – and that you now miss or feel the loss of most? Individuals do not grieve the loss of specific traits, actions, or inactions that they disliked, despised, or resented in the individual while they were present, but who are now gone or dead. Therefore, they do not grieve the loss of all parts of them, only those parts of them that they admired and were attracted to.
– Go to the moment where you perceive this individual to no longer be present, and at that moment and from that moment on until today, who has emerged that now displays or demonstrates similar traits, actions, or inactions? When people leave our life, instantly other individuals begin to emerge to take on the expression of the specific traits, actions, or inactions now missed. When we do not become aware of those individuals who emerge, we remain attached to the previous forms in the individual we are grieving, and we prolong our suffering.
– Go to a specific moment where and when you once perceived the individual displaying or demonstrating the specific trait, action, or inaction that you once admired most and now miss most. At that moment while they were present, and you perceived them displaying or demonstrating the specific trait, action, or inaction that you admired most, what were the drawbacks or downsides to you of them displaying or demonstrating this specific trait, action or inaction?
– Go to specific moments serially in time where and when the newly emerging individuals are displaying and demonstrating the specific traits, actions, or inactions that you once admired most and now miss most in the individual that is no longer present? What are the benefits, advantages and upsides of this new individual or new individuals now displaying or demonstrating the specific trait, action, or inaction?
Once the upsides of the newly emerging individuals equal those of the previous individual that is no longer present, you will liberate yourself from grief of loss and acknowledge the new form of expression of their traits, actions, or inactions which will allow you to resiliently adapt and once again move forward in life with presence.
Death is a transformation and it’s a natural and necessary part of life. Relationships are our greatest teachers, and equally, separations are learning and growth opportunities. A master resiliently lives in a world of transformation, whereas the masses stressfully live in the illusions of gain and loss. We can wallow in our loved one’s departure from our life or we can honour their presence and feel gratitude for the time we shared with them – it is up to us.