By J.T.
So, your man’s more travesty than tiger in the bedroom department? My sympathies. If you’ve tried everything to guide him into pleasuring you correctly, and you don’t want to give up on a lousy lay and get somebody better, you’re just going to have to talk to him. Rescu. gives you some great starting points.
Here’s the truth: there’s a thousand ways to be bad in bed, from behaving like a construction worker (bang, bang, bang, there’s your orgasm installed and ready to go) to constantly asking ‘Is that OK? Is that good? Do you like that?’ But there’s only one foolproof way to stop him BEING bad. Stop pretending you like it! If you sit down to have this talk and he says ‘Well, you always screamed with wall-shattering pleasure before’, you’ll end up looking like an idiot.
So: Step 1 – cease encouraging poor work with Oscar-worthy performances. Now it’s time to talk about The Talk – and what you can do to provoke brain-bending passion instead of pouts and slammed doors.
1) Don’t try to bring it up ‘in context’, whether it’s in bed, watching Daniel Craig rip the stockings off a nubile Bond Girl, or at the traffic lights while passing under one of the now-ubiquitous ads for gentlemen’s nasal sprays. Comparison does nobody any favours.
2) The biggest comparison crime: On that note, don’t compare him unfavourably to your acrobatic yoga-instructing ex, either – at least not aloud.
3) Be positive, not negative. Say you prefer X to Y because X makes your toes curl; say you want to do more of Z because the way he does Z is so hot it sets the bed on fire. Massage his ego and you’ll be on the way to greatness.
4) Be prepared to take criticism in return. Defensiveness may make your man prone to talk about all the times you committed bedroom sins.
5) Be playful, eloquent and frame things sensitively. Otherwise there’ll be no sex at all – or he’ll go out and find somebody who’s willing to pretend he’s Marlon Brando reincarnated.
6) Put it forward as your idea or suggestion. Say you came across a sexy movie where an actress does something new, and you’d like to try it. Propose it as an experiment – sexy lab coat and lingerie ensemble optional.
7) Work out what you want, and then demonstrate, with a lot of verbal encouragement (words, and otherwise). You may even be able to whip him a little if he gets it wrong. It’s a brave new world.
Good luck!