Ill-advised sex tends to follow a pattern. I hear a lot of similar stories:
‘He was married with eight children and on trial for heroin possession!’
‘She was my PhD supervisor and we got drunk at a Von Trier screening!’
‘He promised me a BMW and a cheetah cub!’ (I have actually never heard that last one, though I would love to.)
image via pinterest
Superficially, these seem not to have a lot in common – but there are certain people in every woman’s life with whom a bedroom encounter is totally out of order. (I am assuming, here, that you already know not to sleep with your relatives. If I have to point that out to you, I don’t think I can help you much.)
So here’s RESCU’s Top Six People to Never, Ever, Bed. Enjoy!
1. Your boss/professor/superior
Sleeping your way to the top is, bluntly, really lazy. It’s much harder to be good at your job, respected, intelligent and business-savvy than it is to plunder La Perla and lean seductively over your boss’s desk. It’s boring, insulting, and he’s probably seen it four hundred times before, in more expensive lingerie, so save it.
Professional and personal boundaries should only be mixed in truly exceptional circumstances. You wanting a pay rise or a trip to Paris is not an exceptional circumstance. I don’t care how good the sales look this year.
Besides, word gets out. Nobody is ever going to take you seriously if it’s revealed that you got the Wilson account, or a good grade, through showing off what you’ve learned from your Carmen Electra DVDs. You’ll make it hard for yourself and for every other woman whose sense of integrity prevents her from working overtime in fishnets.
2. Your underlings
This is a little trickier, but tempting as it is to look at the temps as your own buffet, keep your hands to yourself. Anybody in a position of power has no right to interfere with people in inferior positions, who may feel pressure to go along with it.
The power dynamic may seem hot, but will become a lot less sexy when you’re testifying in a class action suit.
3. Your best friend’s ex
Look. There are billions of men in the world, some of whom are bound to be straight, available, and as into Nintendo and championship newt-wrestling as you. Picking somebody around whom there is so much negative energy, and causing so much hurt to your best friend, is just a demonstration of small-mindedness. Get on RSVP.com instead.
If they’ve been broken up for years and you’re REALLY sure this is “Twue Wuv”, ask first, and respect her decision.
4. Your own best friend
There are three options here:
One, you have horrible sex, and never speak of it again, and always have to look at one another with the knowledge of what the other person looks like naked.
Two, you have great sex, and whenever a relationship isn’t working out or a fling goes sour, you seek each other out. The friendship goes kaput and you STILL know what they look like naked.
Three, you have mediocre sex, and have no idea what to do, spend hours stressing about it, and complicate your Wednesday night Korean-film marathons forevermore.
5. Your ex’s best friend
This is cheap – It is also unlikely to have the ultimate outcome you desire. Your ex is unlikely to think that you’re irresistible, that he missed out, or that he’s being taunted deservingly.
He is more likely to be annoyed, relieved to be rid of you, and disappointed by your apparent desire to take relationship tips from Lifetime movies. Stick to angry rants to your friends and one-time hook-ups with hot Italians. Or people who offer you cheetah cubs.
6. Anybody who can’t give consent
Are they drunk? High? Asleep? No, no and no. Even if you’re both drunk. Even if they have a gigantic ‘Yes Please’ tattooed on their pubic bone. No. You do not want to deal with the consequences if it turns out it was not a decision they would have made sober.
(Also, why would you want to sleep with anybody with that tattoo? Standards!)
Lady Friday xx
Taking the pillow talk out of the bedroom, every Friday…
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