By JT
So you’re planning a wedding? You’re dreaming about the dress, flowers, cake… but what about pre-marital counselling? Rescu. reveals the pros and cons of attending counselling before you say ‘I do’.
The idea of pre-marital counselling – you and your fiancée sitting down with a professional prior to walking up the aisle – originated with religious groups, and is still most common today among strongly Christian couples. However, it’s increasingly a choice made by couples of any background – even if, unlike their more religious counterparts, marriage does not herald the very beginning of a sexual, cohabiting or financial life together.
Marriage is a difficult step for every couple. We all know the statistics about divorce – almost half of Australian marriages don’t make it to ‘till death do us part’. Couples who choose pre-marital counselling often say they’re trying to beat those odds, by making sure that they’re on the same page before they exchange rings.
Dealing with differing expectations
Separation and divorce often occur in reaction to differing expectations on how much time each partner should spend with the kids, how the family’s money will be spent, where they’ll live, how each partner should spend their time. Couples who enter into marriage without fully considering or discussing what they expect marriage to actually be are often in for a rude shock. So why get counselling? You might choose it to make sure that shock doesn’t happen to you – to put all the information on the table so nobody makes a mistake.
However, divorce can also stem from an inability to deal with changes in circumstance – one partner losing their job, an unexpected pregnancy or move, grieving, infidelity, shifts in social situation. Pre-marital counselling can’t predict the future.
Counselling under duress
There’s also the nasty problem of people being dragged into pre-marital counselling by partners who’ve sensed their unwillingness to be married, and wish to ‘convince’ them that it’s the right way forward. Counselling is a good way to move through these fears (or realise they’re actually well-founded), but it’s never going to hypnotise anybody down the aisle.
Besides, the style of pre-marital counselling does depend on the group sought for advice. Depending on its source, prospective couples might find themselves guided through the marriage itself, and offered ideas on what the ‘correct’ way to lead a marriage might be. This, as the Australian Institute Of Professional Counsellors points out, is often the approach with traditional or religious marriage counselling. Some types of help may be more fitting than others.
Alternatives to counselling
In any case, there are alternatives to counselling. Having discussions with your partner about your relationship, your expectations and what lies ahead doesn’t necessarily have to be guided by a professional. If you’re stuck, there are products like the e-book, 100 Questions For Couples, by Michael Webb, which offer guidance without direct interference.
Overall, counselling before marriage is neither a startlingly stupid idea nor the cure-all remedy, which is going to save a marriage when it gets rocky. It’s a couple’s choice – but if you decide to stay home and talk about getting married over a cup of tea, you’re certainly not losing out.
What are your views on pre-marital counselling? Share them with us below.