By J.T.
So you’re moving towards an engagement! Congratulations. In the giddiness and delight of this time, though, you can forget the nuts and bolts of marriage – a legal and physical life together with another person. Rescu. suggests things that you should ask yourself, and your partner, before the big veil and the bouquet-throwing.
1) Values: Do you both have the same expectations and values about what marriage means? What, if things just don’t work out, are your views on divorce? It seems like a pessimistic topic to raise, but understanding on the topic is crucial.
2) Impact: What do you think it’s going to do for your relationship? (It’s here that some people discover that they subconsciously want it to ‘make things more secure’ or ‘make sure he won’t cheat’. Marriage, while a joyous thing, doesn’t solve inherent problems in relationships. Be aware of that.)
3) Healthcare: There’s a famous cartoon about a wife and husband driving away from their wedding, and the wife turning to her husband saying, “No, I thought YOU had a dental plan.” How will being married change your insurance situation? Will you both be added on to the one plan? What do your work healthcare plans provide for spouses?
4) Finances: Are you going to join your assets together financially? Will you maintain a joint bank account, or keep separate financial lives? What’s the best plan for a mortgage? Discuss all of this with a bank manager or financial planner. Check out Love, Marriage And Money by Gail Leberman and Alan Lavine for some good tips.
5) Finances 2.0: Prenuptial agreements aren’t romantic, but they certainly aren’t stupid.
6) Kids: If kids are on the agenda soon after marriage, you’re going to need to start planning – where you’re going to live, what schools you’d like to send them to, and who’s going to do the bulk of the care.
Couples have had huge and unexpected disagreements about whether their children need private or public schooling. These things reflect fundamental belief systems. You’re going to need to air them before you walk down the aisle together.
7) Cohabitation: If you haven’t lived together before, you’re going to need to lay out your requirements in terms of living space. Need a few nights alone a week? Stay up late blaring music and working? Hog the kitchen? Get irritated when towels are left on the floor? Compare notes on how you live individually, and make a few compromises about how to make it work.
If you’ve always been very independent and fond of your own space, it’s going to be particularly hard (I’m like this, which is how I know). Keep in mind, too, that nothing says you have to live together immediately after getting married. It’s your marriage; you two make the rules.
Check out these books and websites for further guidance:
Ernst & Young’s Financial Planning For Women.
Ehow’s Guide to Getting On Your Partner’s Health Plan.
Tips on Financial Planning For Your Marriage.
Financial To-Do List For Newlyweds.